58. My Home Revisited

This is where I came from …. a hidden valley

Chapter 1

I fell. But if not for the snow, I would have broken my knees and bled. 

Then I looked up and Thank God I saw a Christmas tree right in front of me. Standing tall, the lights on the tree gave me a wink. “They blink so beautifully,” I thought to myself.

It was dark, and I could see that the kitchen light in the house was still on. I walked further towards the house. And then I saw a woman cutting on the chopping board. 

“Give me the carrot 🥕 “ I yelled. 

She looked at me, but she ignored me and she continued to use her knife to chop on the board. I wanted to snatch the knife away from her.

Chapter 2

I still remember what Kathy at the Bill Bank used to say to me, “show me the in-out situation,” and I would fumble for my wallet and start to count the cash. Yes, I am still withdrawing money from the cash machine. This is getting old fashion I know.

“This is terrible,” I said to myself, crawling out from the snow, I could only see a car parked at the driveway. It is a large car, I don’t know the make. I decided to use my walking stick to help me go up to see the number plate. This has been my habit. Whenever I see a car, I want to read it by the number plate. It’s like looking for the DNA of a man or the IMEI of a phone. It’s *#06#。

Why? I can’t drive. And I don’t want to confuse one car for another. I had been crazy enough to open a stationary car and walk into it. Ok! I recall now, someone told me I was a valet before.

But then I realised that it was a little far from me. When I was falling, I tried to use my walking stick to support myself, by then it had become a liability, that was why I tried to discard it in the first place, and that was how I fell down. 

I was too excited when I saw the snow. It was white, and colour so pure that I grabbed at it. I started to make one snowball after another. And I rolled them bigger and bigger. From the small ones, I combined them into larger ones, and then once I saw that it was large enough I called it a medium, after medium I put it aside, and I started to roll smaller snowballs again.

When the medium snowballs are formed I put them aside and I started the same procedure, medium to large. When the lower trunk was formed, which is an extra-large, I went around to the back to examine it, forgetting that another pair of hands was helping me to do the task. 

All in all I made a very large and a medium. The large I call it the stomach and the medium I call it the head.

And now, after the body and the head, and before I could look around for someone to help me stack the head onto the stomach, I heard the sound of an engine start. Of course I needed to lay the body on the ground first before I could put the upper torso on.

It took me almost a day. And I had forgotten about the time by then.

Chapter 3

I am forty-three this year. And I came here all the way to London because I wanted to do a course in art creation. What art meant I still have no idea. 

The next day I went back, and I realised that the snowman did not have shoes. 

Where can I find shoes for him? I asked.

The best place is of course a shoe shop. But I am new in this town, and I don’t know my whereabouts yet. Shoes can be found in the Guardian as well I think I saw.

I tried to recall my memory. Before I came in, my intent was to find a bench where I could sit down and rest my tired feet.

Of course I am used to the hot climate city of Singapore that I had forgotten that the London snow would have covered up the entire grounds, the driveway to the car porch, as well as the front yard, and the rest of the grass and the muddy grounds, as well as the garden with the bench.

I arrived in the morning. No one picked me up at the airport.

Chapter 4

Then I saw several pairs of beige shoes at the entrance to the house. There was still snow on some of the shoes. And they are all in 核色 the beige. Why does this owner like beige? It is a nuke colour we call it. Are they all her shoes? Does she live alone? What brands are they? And then my eyes narrowed when I saw a pair of beautiful shoes. In those days I have not seen a pair like that. They are sharp and pointed. Almost like a wedding dress it has a nice bow on top of the shoe. The bow was tied with gold and embossed. I picked up one, and then I saw that it had a signature on it – Ferragamo. What fonts the maker use I don’t know. 

Wow! Such a nice pair! 👠

And then I heard a woman shout, “trash!!”

I knew immediately that she was angry. With what I do not know. Perhaps she was baking a cake, or washing up after breakfast. So I decided to go around the back to the kitchen. But by then I had lost my way. I went round and round the house, with my pair of rubber shoes soaking wet.

Of course I picked up the pair of beige shoes when I got up. You cannot call it steal. I did not steal. I merely borrowed it for a while, when I meet her in person I will hand it back to her personally. And tell her that I heard someone said trash. Shall I help her throw her garbage bag?

But strangely enough I was just about to move my bowels. 

And then I saw an open door. It was wooden, and I could hear the water flush. This must be the toilet, I told myself. Automatically I walked in. And I saw aにんぎゅ。It was placed on top of the WC bowl. And a plant was next to it. The name of the plant I do not know. And I am not about to go back to my biology class to find out.

That brings me back to my teen childhood days.

I had a biology teacher. He was cute. A middle aged man, slightly plum, he used to come in with his face half-swollen and a puffed-up eye, he would plonk himself right in front of us on the wooden chair, and then he would say, 今天是自由活动, meaning that today is “free and easy”. Just like the marketing tours that we see nowadays. 

Oh dear, I had forgotten to shit. But now the urge to do so had left completely. 

What shall I do? I have landed myself in the toilet now, with no urge to ease myself, and a にんぎゅ (人形) in front of me, a plant and myself. The toilet was clean, and there was no fowl smell that one usually finds in the toilet. Such a nice place. Is this a real toilet? Then I saw the toilet bowl. So, these are all decoration. I picked up the toilet seat cover, and I flipped it open. 

OMG! OMG!

I saw blood. 

What?! Has murder been committed in this house???

Chapter 5

To find out if murder has been committed, you must pick a victim. And it must have been the woman that I saw at the window yesterday.

Oh, she was chopping the carrot, that must have been the woman that was killed – the Charismatic Christians call it “slain” – a strange word original of which I have no idea.

So if she were dead, what did the assassin do with her body afterwards. How did they dispose of her? In the toilet? In the backyard? Oh yeah, that must be it. I saw blood inside the WC bowl. 

Yes, I did not flush it, neither did I move my bowels. For when I saw blood I realised that I could have moved my bowels elsewhere. In such a large house, there must be another toilet elsewhere. But at the same time I knew that I could not abandon the nice snowman that I have fallen for. Even though his entire body is almost completed. Oh, I was too impatient. I went to look for shoes before I had wrapped a scarf round her neck.

I began to recall my biology. The lower trunk comprises the abdominal area below the rib cage, the lower back and the pelvis. And as I was recalling, I picked up more snow and rolled them all into one. 

Now, there you are, you are a proper snowman now!

“What name do you want to give me?” He asked.

“Snowman of course!” I yelled at the top of my voice.

Yay!!! I hear a group of children laugh. And then I recalled the Charismatic classes. They had a song, “wherever there are children singing, laughing …… there will I be,” I looked around, and I saw not a single person. 

Ok, this was just an imaginary voice.

Of course I know that I hear voices. Voices appear when there is no one around, and where your thoughts are talking to you. They do not disturb me now. And I am quite happy sitting in the snow. By which time, my entire body had been soaking wet. But now I could see my walking stick. It is sticking out, part of it visible, and the other half submerged in the snow.

I was happy that I found my tool. But then the shoes are no longer with me. 

Heck the shoes! The word Ferragamo appeared in my brains. And then Hermes, followed by numerous names they call it. All I took was a pair of nice beige shoes. Where are my own shoes? Are they still with me? 

Now the snowman is talking to me.

“I love you,” he said, “I can’t help but start to talk to him. And then as I was talking I stood up, using my brute strength, and the biology lessons I learnt before on how to get up from a squatting position. 

“Never mind, narcissist!” I started to get angry with myself, I spoke loudly, and to the snowman’s amazement, he smiled, and then the carrot in his mouth dropped out.

Oh the carrot is there! That means that the woman I saw at the kitchen must have put the carrot into his mouth. She didn’t place it properly so therefore it was unsteady and she must have adjusted my walking stick as well.  

I see no reason why she could not adjust the walking stick. But she shouldn’t touch the snowman. He is my creation and everything that happened in this house is entirely my making since I walked in.

OMG! Does this make me the killer???

All men are assumed innocent until proven guilty. 

I could have just admitted to liability, but I honestly did not kill her. The God the true one and only one God, who exits outside the realm of this universe, would have known what to do with the sinner, who violated the sixth commandment. But is it a sin to wish an old woman who would be expiring very soon? 

My memory brought me back into the True Jesus Church to pray again. At the time even before I walked in, I heard laughter. This is weird, I thought to myself. And as I walked further down the path, I found another church called Singapore Bible College. I was learning that before, throughout the day, when I was in school, when I was in the university.

I went there to the Bible School in 2006 because I was told that the entire road is called the Holy Ground. As in, anyone who stands there are standing on Holy Ground, because several churches are standing there.

I looked down, and I found myself standing in the snow. “It is so fluffy,” I said to myself. This is exactly the spot I was 15 years ago, and this is the ground where I stood. To me this is the Holy Ground. The ground is holy because I am a non-sinner. And since when have I become so adamant?

I am not guilty of course. But how can I go ahead to prove that? 

Pray. And my mind brought me home again.

I kept the pair of shoes and brought it back home to Singapore.

Chapter 6

If not because the man and I had a chinwag over coffee, I would not have taken a flight here to London. He brought the shoes back from the house where the snowman was.

“Do you recognise this pair of shoes?” Harry asked.

“I would have thrown the shoes away, and bought a new pair. Why do I still keep old shoes after I could no longer fit into it?”

“No, I am asking if this pair of shoes are yours?” He said.

“Er … put it down, let me see if I can fit into it … ” I said.

Harry lay the shoes on the floor, pointing at it, he said, “try it on.”

“There you are, they are not my shoes.” I protested.

“After such a long time, how could you still fit into it?”ll

“So that means that they are not mine right?” I was relieved.

And then I continued, “Apart from the fact that it was mouldy and collecting dust, I had bought several other numerous pairs.”

Chapter 7

In that house, I was the first one to discover blood. Apart from the woman who appeared fleetingly how many people are residing in this house no one knows.

This is a three storey house. I could see the lights on the upper floors, when I came in through the porch. A car was parked at the driveway and the number plate was SCJ8059T. The engine turned on the minute I stood at the front door. Knock, knock, I did. I asked, “is she in?”, to pretend that this is the first time I am going in, and that the snowman in the garden wasn’t made by me, since the woman had voluntarily put the carrot in his mouth.

Come to think of it? What do snowman eat?

Oh yeah, I forgot to give him eyes 👀

I thought about the beautiful eyes that my mother used to have, they were large, crystal big, but sharp, she didn’t cry even when her mother was passing away. Of course at ninety-nine she would have left with no trace of sadness or regret. 

I had a terrible time during my grandmother’s last days. 

Towards the end of her life, she would shout at me and tell me that it was a spiritual warfare. Whom she was fighting against I had no idea, and the names of characters in the Bible was thrown at me like pebbles and stones you find on the ground.

So I wanted to throw the snowballs. 

Chapter 8

I picked them up, and I rolled them again, and then at palm size, I started to throw them at random, first in front, then at the left and right, and then I did a throwback. Flash! My memory came back. The scene of her sitting in front of my piano bench came back to me, flushing my eyes with tears.

Why did you kill me? She asked.

“You took my time, mother,” I started to speak. Alone in the snow, with no one around.

“And if I didn’t do it, you will never die.” I continued.

“But who told you to do so?” she asked, “that must have been Satan, right?” blatantly I replied.

“Who is Satan?” she suddenly asked, waking up.

“I thought you read the Bible? Don’t you know that there is such a character by the name of Satan?” I replied.

“Oh yes, I forgot,” she said.

“How can you forget such a simple thing, mother?” I pleaded for her to regain her memory.

“Now, what time do you want to go to sleep?” I asked.

“When God tells me to sleep I will sleep,” mother got angry.

This is hilarious. I thought to myself.

“Do you know who asked me to ask you?” I became angry at the same time.

“God, of course,” meekly she replied.

“You know there is God right?” I spoke again.

The voice: she took too much of your time.

Chapter 9

A domino effect, the leaves from the tree fell all at once, simultaneously and consecutively, I decided to take out my jacket and throw it on the snow. It was still cold, but I felt no chill, the speed of the wind no longer disturbed me. So elated that I fell to the ground. I saw a swirl, and with one bended knee I got up. I stood right in front of the tree, and I said, “You have been here all my life, and I ignored you. 

The tree said to me, “it’s ok child, I told you not to eat the apple from the tree, but I realised that due to the centre of gravity it fell down,” “and you picked it up on time.”

“But, but, apples don’t grow on trees in this town ….,” followed by, “and this is winter .… “

The tree said, “I told you not to argue!!!”

I bow and said, “Thank you Your Honour,” and exited myself.

But in this cold winter, where can I go? Back to Harrods???  

This tree survived the cold and freezing temperatures due to a lack of water. Deciduous trees shed leaves to conserve energy and prevent dehydration, while evergreen trees maintain their green foliage needles, using a natural antifreeze in their sap to stay hydrated. 

I thought about the past. Shouting within the house is bad, so is shouting to a dying woman. But was she my mother? No, she wasn’t. She had changed into a completely different person after all that medical treatment. 

From a nice, young, benevolent mother, a grandmother, she became a monster. And I had to get rid of the monster in my house. In my system, in the realm of things, I knew it was God who told me to pray. Time was up for the both of us, and for everyone who was on the same page with her.

A new chapter has begun.

The sun came up again this morning, as usual. He sat at the same place. 

“I told you she was bad luck,” I heard.

I asked him, “this is not the last supper right?”

“Of course not, you silly,” he retorted.

“And then who really killed my mother? My grandmother and my great-great grandmother,”

“The job was done by Lucifer, as usual.” The Almighty replied.

“And who ordered it,” stupidly I asked. 

“Satan of course.”

“So is the doctor Satan?”

Your guess is as good as mine.

And what about the voices I sometimes hear, my thoughts that told me that ….

But now I hear God’s voice …. the old thoughts I would summarise them as …. the devil’s voice.

I looked up, and I saw a plane leaving the country. 

Goodbye Satan, try not to send Lucifer into my house again.